We insecurity addicts are brutal to our inner child. Like any addiction, insecurity gnaws on us as long as we’re using, and man, this thing has teeth. So a good way to begin getting it under control is to pull those teeth out, one by one. I tell people it’s like Herbie the dentist in Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. Sure, the Bumble monster is terrifying when he shows those chompers, but toothless, his bite is far less damaging and a lot less scary. To control my own insecurity, I do self love exercises every day. Little silly things that seem like nothing, but every one is important. Marie Curie said every new discovery is like a candle in the dark, lighting the way to truth. So each day you do one of these exercises, even when you think they’re the stupidest thing ever devised, keep doing them. Persistent repetition is the key. Rant and rave all you want against anything remotely self loving, but keep at it. Hell, I hit myself in the face when I first started doing them. Telling myself “I love you, Rebecca” seemed an almost blasphemous lie, and my internal raging and self abuse went haywire. But that’s the addiction fighting you. Insecurity has to have an environment of bitter hopelessness and crushing loneliness in which to thrive. It shrivels up when its home is stripped of emotional misery and rotting dreams. Nasty little bugger. Remember, each exercise you do is a bit of light to help warm you, help you see the truth. Hesitancy, fear, self hatred, despair; they’re all cold bedfellows. They don’t like the light and they sure as hell don’t want you warm and comfy inside. I’ve gone from a suicidal, self-harming, miserable wreck to a woman whose soulmate is…myself. I’d always dreamt of a hero to come in and save me, to say encouraging words and truly love me. But most using insecurity addicts would tell a hero to get lost A: Because we don’t think we deserve them B: We only know monsters are the most suitable for losers like us. Destroying our own firm foundation is a classic trick to guarantee that we won’t see situations clearly. If we never had a firm foundation, we have to learn that shit from scratch. That’s how I did it.
One of the first exercises I did was refrain from self abuse. Start with that. No inner insults, no outer self abusing jokes (that one was hard because I was funny about insulting myself and could always get people to laugh), no bitching at myself for making a mistake, or a wrong decision, or shriveling when a bully attacked me. That one, the inner abuse, surprised me with how hard it was to stop. I actually missed it. Just like bullying is also a behavioral addiction, I got a rush out of being cruel and nagging to myself. We vent on ourselves 24/7 and the worst truth of all is, we enjoy the bludgeoning we do to ourselves. But that person we’re stomping on is literally ourselves. Then we attack ourselves for attacking ourselves and being a weak mewling chickenshit loser who lets ourselves bully ourselves. Spelled out like this, you can see how sneaky and absurd an insecurity addiction is. It burrows about, whispering hatred, radiating disappointment, raging against anything positive we might do for ourselves, or even if if something good is given to us from others. We belittle it. Back in the misery days, I could never just accept a compliment. I always tossed a shrug of a disclaimer comeback to anyone’s compliment.
”Your hair looks pretty today.”
“Thanks, it’s fake. I dye it.”
”Your painting is beautiful.”
”Thanks. I’m not happy with that part there, in the right corner.”
“That was nice, helping that old lady across the ice.”
”I was sure I’d fall and pull her down with me. At least she could have bounced on my fat ass and saved from a broken hip.”
See the places where my insecurity broke the benefits of a kind word? I insisted my hair couldn’t possibly be pretty natural (it was), I said my painting was lousy (it wasn’t), I was more likely putting the old lady in danger because I was a stupid klutz (I wasn’t), and I had so much – gasp – fat – that the only thing I was good for was to be a worthless ugly blob for people to fall on. Analyzing your own brutality becomes quite fascinating. But shutting down the vicious inner dialogue is key. It’s a hard one, and your insecurity addiction will bring out the big guns to fight you. It likes its cushy bile dripping home inside our heads, and it’ll fight HARD to keep it. Doesn’t matter. Keep at it. Persistent repetition every day. And remember: You’re not a piece of shit. You never were. It was always a lie.
R
#childabuse #selfharm #rebeccaodonnell #bullying #selflove #suicidal #insecurity #selfhatred #insecurityaddict #selfloveexercises
